I once Googled that… The answer is no, but during the many night time wakings and having to get through each day like a Zombie I’ve often considered death might be a less painful choice! Some other things I’ve learnt since becoming a mum:
All – nighters have a new meaning: Before I had kids I’d almost prided myself on my ability to pull an all-nighter, and still show up for work the next day, looking fresh and laughing about the night before with my mates. I could always make up for the lost sleep too, with Sundays reserved for nothing more strenuous than lounging about watching T4 with Vernon Kay & June Sarpong.
You have to get up early EVERY SINGLE DAY: No one tells you that once you become a mum you loose out on weekend lie ins too. It’s more of a gradual realisation when each and every day starts at silly o clock and you feel a little more of your brain die inside from sleep deprivation.
No one warned me how ugly i would be prepared to look like in public! I was walking around the shops last week after a particularly early start and realised that I had put NO makeup whatsoever on, had flat shitty hair in a messy bun (not a sexy messy bun, a grim one) and had a few new spots brewing up on my jawline. HOT AS FUCK or what? When did I stop caring? Well I obvs care a bit or i wouldn’t be writing about it, but it’s not a good look when you look like a female Pete Doherty after a month long sesh but really you’ve been doing nothing harder than juggling 2 kids, a dog, work, a marriage (see how sexy i am above, it’s not a walk in the park!) all while trying to shift 2 stone & plan 2 hen do’s for your sisters wedding. I really should find the time to contour.
Gina Fucking Ford: That’s her real name in this house.
In our complete and utter desperation we paid a super nanny type woman to tell us when to wake / feed / put to sleep Fletcher and by god it was boring and hard. I’ve never been a routine lover and this went against my natural parenting style, but we were out of all other ideas. In a nutshell you have to have start each day at 7am, and have set nap times, (never totalling more than 2 hours daytime sleep, varies by age, read her books FYI) and put them to bed at 7pm. No dummy, white-noise, sleep aids or bottles in the night. Just ‘gradual retreat’ (which basically means sitting next to them and ignoring them while they cry and your heart hurts a lot.) After a month of living like a prisoner (I had to get home for every nap & the school run) we cracked it and he slept through the night. Yassss, we were like fresh new people for about 2 weeks… then being stupid, optimistic people we flew to Australia and combined jet lag with crossing 12 time zones and were back to square one. Lovely.
Enjoy every moment: This is a good one, as it’s what everyone tells you to do. I do feel guilty as I sometimes feel that I’ve wished his little life away sooner, just wanting each milestone to pass that leads to that illusive sleep. “Maybe he’ll sleep once he’s weaned” “He’s just teething” or “Maybe crawling / walking will tire him out” I do miss each stage once it’s gone, as each day i’m confronted by an amazing, happy, cheeky little character and I feel like all we do is moan about the lack of sleep and the negatives. As cliche as it sounds I do try to remember that this wont last forever.
Top pic – my little alarm clock at 1 week old.
Bottom pic – Awake as per…
Last pic – Me 2 hours after giving birth at home, feeling absolutely shattered / overwhelmed / emotional / in shock! no filters, no make up, no posing.